Being Refined.

Since I am partly procrastinating and partly really wanting to write, here I am! Be proud, since I'm not waiting a month in between posts.

God has a way of repeating Himself that's really hard to miss - even for a hard-of-hearing (spiritually speaking here, not literally - even though it's true!) gal who is very obtuse. And recently He's been teaching me many lessons. In fact, He's been teaching me so much that I've had to ask Him for some time to make sure I'm fully understanding and applying the truths He's showing me. It's very humbling to ask such a thing, since it shows how much I struggle with actually applying what I'm learning, rather than just writing it down somewhere and promptly forgetting it.

Since it's the season of Thanksgiving (and North Carolina has finally accepted the fact that fall is HERE and winter to follow), it's appropriate to ponder for what one is truly grateful. I had a cool conversation with a friend of mine last night where we took turns and asked the other any question we wanted and we had to answer. Many of the questions were just silly and superficial (which equals fun!), but then we had a couple that really made me think more about it.

We asked what we regretted most in our lives, and then we talked about what experiences or times that we would never change. Interestingly, I found that many of the experiences I've had in my life were in both categories. Those experiences where I found myself making a foolish or dangerous decision that had caused me and others pain... of course I regret those decisions. At the same time, I wouldn't change what happened because through that pain something good came out of it. Sounds familiar, right?

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (NIV)

It's so awesome to see the Word alive in one's life, isn't it? Makes me smile with gratefulness.

So, even though such times have brought me some sort of pain, my heart is truly thankful for that season of fire. God is always at work in our lives; bringing us through the purification process for His glory. And now, as I go through another time of struggle and pain, I'm joyful. I've never been this joyful of going through a struggle. Usually, I want to run away and hide until it passes. God knows I look forward to seeing the fruit of His transformation in my life. And He knows how much I desire to want to yearn and chase after Him... to understand His Word... to obey Him... to see His work for me made complete through Him.

What an adventure! I'm excited. I've been excited for the past month as I've gone through this. Each day brings new challenges, but also new answers. Every morning I wake up, I know for certain that He is still with me.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God; how vast the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake I am still with you. Psalm 139:17-18

I have to be honest here. I see what He's showing me, I hear what He's speaking through His Word, and I understand that He's growing and purifying me. What love! I'm overwhelmed as I think about this. That He should care for a sinner such as me... and actually desire that I grow in knowledge of Him - whoa! My human self feels completely unworthy of what He's doing in my life, yet my spirit basks in His glory and wants to soak up everything of Him.

I stand amazed in the glory of His presence.

Tip of the Iceberg

Sometimes so much happens in one's life that to sit down and write it all out is quite a daunting task. Especially for me, anyway. Hence, my silence for the past few weeks. Some things are just hard to put into words. To try to explain what God is doing in my heart is hard to explain. And to try to explain the new friendships that have popped into my life is hard as well.

I can try to do "bullet points" - we'll see how that goes:

- I'm learning to enjoy where I'm at in the moment. Instead of wishing for the next day or the future, I'm learning to enjoy the moment - whatever that moment is. And I've had some intense struggling moments in the past few weeks. But I rejoice in those moments because they make me fall to my knees in desperation for my Savior. I'm realizing that I need His truth and guidance more than I ever have in my life thus far. Along with that, I'm realizing that He's demanding my faith and trust even more. What's so amazing is that I've been blessed to see the fruit of this struggle. Life is just amazing right now. :)

- Like I said, I've really been struggling lately with some emotional things. To be a bit more open, I haven't been quite this broken in a long time. It's been a learning process for me to "pour my heart out" before God. I've never experienced such freedom in knowing that God truly sees all my struggles and hurts and everything that I think and feel, and through it all still loves me with a patient, merciful love. It's been simply healing.

- I get frustrated (a lot) with school work. Some people love to go to school and work toward a degree, do papers, take exams, read (boring) books, etc. I'm not that into school. I work hard and try to remain as diligent as possible, but there's always a class or professor that just loves to kick the crap out of me each semester. Trying not to be bitter can be hard, I'm finding.

- I've discovered that I've really grown in accepting myself for who I am. And because of that, I'm more comfortable around others (generally), instead of hiding in the corner like a wallflower. My insecurities will pop up, but learning to "turn off" those lies with truth has been a growth point for me. Back in college I would continually doubt myself, doubt whether others liked me for WHO I AM, instead of who I pretended to be. Now, to put it frankly, I don't care. I just enjoy life, and I enjoy who God is creating me to be. And here's what's interesting: because I enjoy life I find that I'm much more available for God. (Note: I did not say more "able" since I have very little of worth that would enable me to "do" anything.) I have a LONG way to go in this, but it's so good and so encouraging to see progress, even in the smallest amount. The gifts He's so graciously given me have been put more to use, and it's exciting to see Him move in mighty ways in my life and others' lives.

I think that basically covers the tip of the iceberg. ;) All in all, God is amazing in His Authorship, not only in His precious Word, but in our lives as well. He's the ultimate Adventure, and I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow!

Moving In

Whew.

That about sums up what I've been thinking, feeling, praying and saying. What a rush the past few days have been, and how much more of a rush will the next few years be!

Thank you all for your prayers, hugs, kind words, and support (in any and every way possible!). Again, I am truly thankful and God knows how many tears I have shed in thankfulness and missing you all already. I'll stop here, since the tears are threatening again!

We left last Thursday and arrived at my grandparents in New Jersey. We stayed with them on Friday, trying to help where we can and visit with them before taking off to North Carolina. Saturday was a LONG day, to put it simply. Praise God that it was a straight route down to Raleigh (where our hotel was), but we spent two hours in stop-go traffic, just covering 30 miles. What a patience tester, right?

We made it to our hotel without getting lost (YES! you read that right!) and crashed in our hotel room. Of course, we couldn't go to bed without a proper meal at a Perkins restaurant and then watching the Olympics until we fell asleep.

Moving in on Sunday was... eerie. The campus was totally deserted. Not a soul around. We finally figured out that it was because it was Sunday and any decent Southern Baptist would naturally be at church! And I think I just called my familly unnatural because we didn't go to church. *gasp*

Anyway, Mom and I were wandering around the campus trying to find SOMEONE to help direct us to the Housing Office where I can get my key and move in. After walking around for 20 minutes, I finally read the small print on one of my forms I was sent from the seminary. After hours and on Sundays students who are moving in are to call campus security.

Oh.

I quickly dialed security (who was also at church - just leaving, actually) and then Mom and I promptly got lost trying to find our way to the missions center where my car was parked. The security guy called back ten minutes later, wondering where we were, and I told him we got lost walking around on campus.

There was like, a 10 second pause. I swear he was covering the mouthpiece and laughing. SEBTS has a VERY small campus - Pastor will confirm that.

Finally he came on and asked where we were parked. I told him "the Jacklyn Smith Missions Center". Another 10 second pause, because the building is actually called The Jacumin-Simpson Center (he was laughing again, I KNOW it!). He finally directed us our way out of the campus.

No, we did not get lost going to the Housing Office. He was standing out front wearing a bright orange shirt. How could we miss that??

The actual moving in went surprisingly well. I brought the bare essentials with me this time, and my mother did not have to hold anything on her lap! (This is in reference to moving in when I was a freshman in college and had packed SO MUCH that my poor mother had to right 7 hours with a lamp in her lap.)

Right after we unpacked everything and put everything away, my roommate came in! Her name is Laura and to say that she is a sweetheart would be an understatement. We clicked right away and I hope and pray that we'll become fast friends. I can't tell you how many times I've prayed and pleaded with God to allow Laura and I to become good friends. How awesome is He?!

Today I had to take my parents to the airport and say good-bye. It was so hard letting my parents go. Tears were shed all around, and I cried pulling out of the airport. I know for a fact God was guiding my driving while I bawled. There was traffic everywhere and I was safe all the way back from the airport (and I didn't get lost driving on my own!).

And that brings us up to the current, as I sit here and write down everything that's happened. I'm hoping to take some pictures of the campus and my roommate to show ya'll (workin' on my twang!) what I'm seeing down here. One more thing I'll say about the south: it's HOT!!

Love you all! And I'm praying for all of you.